Hello there my wonderful readers (and welcome you newbies here)!It’s time for another Beauties on Fire Collaboration post, and this week’s voted theme is “retro.”
For those of you who don’t know how this collab works, anyone can join at any time. Literally.
It’s an exceptionally diverse and SUPPORTIVE group of people, and our main goal is to make friends while learning from one another and having tons of fun! You know, all that cheesy stuff everyone hates to admit that they love and secretly want a part of.
You can contact our Amazing Leader Beth via email/Twitter/you know the drill (the picture below will be linking to her blog and the other posts, so heck, just leave a comment) and join our collab and Facebook Group.
If you don’t want to be apart of this collab (why would you NOT want to?), be sure to vote for next week’s theme via Twitter.
Anyway, I’ve been really loving the “how I did my makeup in high school” tag floating about YouTube right now, and have decided that retro will be a blast from my own past this week.
I’m also throwing in a little skincare storytime (can you tell I watch a lot of YouTube? Is it obvious?) from my middle school days because I’ve put my face through a lot over the years and, personally, it’s a lot more interesting than my makeup history: mainly during my amateur surgeon phase…it will probably make you cringe, and make you grateful you were less hell bent on making your zits disappear instantly with some sort of miracle cure.
Now that the world’s longest intro is over, let’s get into this blast from the past.
My Jenna Marbles Style Makeup Evolution
My makeup journey began when I was twelve…yup, I’ve been wearing makeup for over a decade now(holy cow, I feel old).
I wasn’t like a baby you-know-what, roaming the halls of my small private Christian school in my below-the-knee-skorts, but rather my group of friends’ mothers all got their hairstylist who did the best makeup out of all of them to give us the makeup equivalent of The Talk and show us how to apply mascara and lip gloss.
Ta da! I was officially initiated.
My mother instilled in me a Great Fear of the Cake Face and the Pancake makeup, so I didn’t get around to actual foundation until I was 20 out of sheer terror.
I would buy Neutrogena foundation, but then use it as a concealer applied with my finger tips. Because brushes and sponges and beauty blenders weren’t a thing for me yet.
I distinctly remember many tubes of Maybelline Great Lash Mascara (I honesty don’t know anyone to this day who used a different first starter mascara) and used that all the way till high school. There were also those cheeker blush things from Covergirl and 99 cent lip gloss…so much lip gloss.
Freshman year of high school, I went through the mandatory teenage angst phase where I applied grey sparkly eyeshadow (because the lady who showed us 12 year olds how to do makeup told me grey shadow went with blue eyes and I never thought to, you know, branch out) in a very large smokey eye/zombie fashion, until my friend literally told me three days in to stop wearing it like that because she didn’t want to be seen with me looking as such. It was a good call. I switched to lighter, more neutral shadow quad called “pure romance.” It was a much better look, but didn’t reflect the darkness of my soul. Cuz I was deep like that.
And that is what I did, every single day, until my junior year of college, when I conquered my fear of foundation, discovered what the heck a beauty blender was, and stumbled upon the beauty guru side of YouTube. We all know I drank that Kool-Aid right up and can now be found making it rain every other weekend at ULTA.
Warning: I was A Dumba** 🙂
Now here’s the scary part: my makeup may have been super safe and basic (minus the 3 day zombie/vampire phase), but my skincare routine was anything but.
All through middle school, I thought my skin was SO bad, bad with a capital B. Because 3-4 pimples every two weeks was literally the end of the world.
If it was small, sharp, and had a 30% likelihood of being able to pop a zit, I’d attempt to do so. Safety pins, needles, thumbtacks, my fingernails, you name it. And then, when I got smarter about skincare (oh, I’m supposed to wash my face with something not-Dial-soap?), I started disinfecting them with hydrogen peroxide or rubbing alcohol before use. *cringe*
I eventually wised up and bought an actual extractor that gets disinfected each and every time it goes near my face. I also know better than to pop them willy-nilly too…now.
Not knowing what to do with all my newfound facial friends in the sixth grade, I got a little too creative with my spot treatments. It was quite sometime before I figured out there was such a thing as a 3 step face routine kit (which, spoiler alert: didn’t do much for about 4 years), so I turned to every household cleaner (Hi there, Windex), brand of toothpaste, home remedy possibly conceivable. Because products designed to actually kill zits just didn’t appear on my radar until the seventh grade. I was cool like that.
Here’s a brief list of some of the stuff that has gone on my (poor) face:
-Windex (who hasn’t done this at least once?)
-clear nail polish (I was trying to suffocate them for some reason)
-nail polish remover (to remove said “suffocate-ant”)
-toothpaste (too drying, makes things worse)
-honey* (good choice, but not fast)
-mosquito repellent (just don’t)
-sulfur* (makes sense)
-charcoal* (still use this)
-duct tape/tape (again, I just wanted to suffocate the infection? Why did I feel the need to do so? Someone please tell me)
-hand sanitizer (err, I was clean?)
-hydrogen peroxide (white, flakey aftermath)
-bleach/oxiclean (whoa, too clean. Waaaay to clean. It buuurrrrnnnnsss)
-baking soda* (cleans the pores…but remember to moisturize afterwards)
-lemon juice* (lighten the natural way…stings a lot on needled open zits though…)
-rubbing alcohol (that tingly, omg, my pores are on fire feeling)
-drawing salve* (try this one tonight with Prid’s version and you’ll thank me tomorrow)
-oatmeal, banana, aloe, avocado, milk, yogurt, egg masks* (all super okay to use and super cheap, but I was like “no, give me something dangerous that makes no sense to get rid of zits or give me death”-go puberty hormones!)
-mayo (it belongs in sandwiches and hair masks. I don’t want to talk about it)
-peanut butter (cuz PB will obviously cure pimples. Everyone knows that)
-jelly (because the PB didn’t work…surprise, surprise. This is where I proceeded to mustard and all the other condiments in the fridge. They also didn’t work)
-straight up vinegar* (um, dilute it, just saying)
-raw potato* (it is rumored to draw out infections…I dunno if it did, but there were worse things I could have (and did) put on my face)
-gasoline (why Lord, why?)
-Draino (how did I even survive between the ages of 12-15?!)
-cortisone/anti itch cream* (actually takes down the swelling)
-legitimate spot treatments* (ugh, finally, something not totally insane)
Obviously, don’t try most of this at home.
The “treatments” that have asterisks are the ones that won’t kill your skin, or more importantly, you.
I was creative back then, real creative. I think it’s safe to say I don’t know what the heck I was thinking.
Obviously, as I’m still alive, I got with the rest of the world after the sixth grade, and started using actual skin products on my face (if you’d use it to clean a toilet or power a car, it probably shouldn’t go on your face).
The biggest lesson I learned during that very (very) formative year of puberty was that breakouts are definitely 1000x worse in your mind than they actually are.
And also that Draino is not out to make any friends.
Nor are chemical burns.
There is also nothing that will make them go instantly away (unless you have a lot of money, even more of a pain tolerance, and a very patient derm).
Looking back on this actually explains why I didn’t bat an eye at slathering snail mucin all over my face come my early Kbeauty days…
Anyway, all of you readers, learn from my stupidity, and don’t try 90% of this at home.
What was the craziest thing you ever did to your skin? What are your theories on how I survived to adulthood? (Because I would really like to know 😅…😭).